Straight From The Source: Mercury In Retrograde Wants You To Get Over It!

An Exclusive Interview With The Most Controversial Planet

The sunshine bellows through the window of your Williamsburg apartment as you open your eyes to greet the day. You have never woken up naturally during the work week once in your life and today is not the exception. 

‘FUUUUUCKKKK’, you scream, as 8:03am glares back at you from the screen of your iPhone. Your office is a full 42 minute subway ride away and you have an in-person team meeting at nine-on-the-dot. Just a few hours ago you envisioned yourself jumping out of bed to a 6AM alarm, sipping a matcha and writing your morning pages, all before executing a Dry Bar level blow out. Whatever, there’s always tomorrow. You swallow your pride, throw some Crown Affair Dry Shampoo in your hair, a dab of Saie Slip Tint and a whip of Westman Atelier Eye Want You and you’re out the door.

Just another under-caffeinated millennial walking to public transportation, you decide to drown out the voices in your head with some noise. The version of yourself that woke up on time today listens to Gabby Bernstein or Esther Perel, but didn’t happen, so you blast BRAT instead. Pressing play, the music fills only your left ear. ‘What can happen next?’ you think as you channel all of your rage into fixing your right ear-pod. A text message flashes across your screen. It's BRIAN the guy you met on Raya just before COVID who told you he had to end things to focus on his passion for baking bread - ‘hey, I just saw a hawk in Central Park and it made me think of you- hope you’re great!’

We’ve all been here. A flood of electronic and emotional mishaps that make you believe the universe is conspiring against you. Take a deep breath. It’s not you, it’s not the universe… Mercury is most likely in retrograde. There’s a good chance you have someone in your life who, along with demanding your birth time has warned you about the pandemonium that is Mercury Retrograde. Don’t sign a contract, double check your emails and under no circumstance pick up a call from your ex!  This chaotic chunk of time occurs 3-4 times a year for a few weeks when Mercury, the planet that rules communication, travels backwards through the sky. 

We’re six days into the current Retrograde and I’m already losing my mind, so I sat down with Mercury itself to find out the who/what/when/where/why of surviving the next few weeks. Thank me later! 

**This is satire and to be read with a sense of humor. Planets don’t talk…yet! 

Hi Mercury, thank you so much for taking the time- especially during your retrograde 

No- Thank you! Nobody ever wants to hear from me…

Let’s get into it- your reputation is not the best…

You don’t say!

You retrograde 3-4 times a year. During this time people lose their shit, wires get crossed and catastrophe ensues. But, what are you doing during these weeks? 

I’m a planet I really can’t go anywhere. But mentally I’m wearing a Missoni Caftan at Le Sirenuse, rolling my own cigarettes. No I mean, it’s a chill time. I’ll catch up with Venus, make sure Pluto is hanging in there. We’re all so busy, but I really try to be the bigger cosmo and keep the group together. 

So retrograde is your…vacation? 

Of course not. Retrograde is a time to slow down, retrace my steps, and reflect on my last trip around the sun. You can’t be ‘on’ all of the time. I’m not the only planet that retrogrades you know? Jupiter spends a third of the year out to lunch and nobody says a word! 

You have beef with Jupiter? 

The planet of luck? Get a real job! Jupiter is a NEPO baby. 

Let’s move on. Give us the tea, why all the chaos? 

You know what really confuses me, I pump the breaks just the tiniest bit and people start to point fingers. Particularly Americans! I don’t think anyone in Mykonos would even recognize my name! You should be double checking your emails and avoiding your ex all year long, don’t blame me!!

Good point. So you just want people to relax? 

Relax and chill out. I listen in on conversations to the universe all the time that are like ‘I just need a break’, well here I am giving you one. Stay inside, buy a copy of A Court Of Thorns And Roses and throw your phone in the sink.

You rule two of the most controversial astrological signs- Gemini and Virgo- any advice for navigating these people earth side? 

Ok, first and foremost, the Gemini thing is absurd. Both signs, like the rest, have their highs and lows. Geminis are brilliant, chatty, curious communicators who can be a bit much from time to time, and Virgos are precise, loyal beings who like what they like. At the end of the day when either sign hits their stride they're comfortable with telling you exactly how they feel and what they want. Both Geminis and Virgos have a- how do you say-  ‘If you can’t handle the heat, get out of the kitchen’ type energy…a blessing in disguise if you ask me. 

There’s a lot of talk about this so I’ve got to ask…Would you suggest dating a Gemini? 

Would I advocate for anyone to meet Donald Trump or Kanye West at Pastis for a martini? No! But I’m sure there’s some wildly direct guy out there with a great sense of humor and a white Cyber Truck in his driveway. Don’t let some rumor you heard on TikTok define him.  

What’s the biggest piece of advice you would give anyone for surviving a retrograde? 

Count to 5 before pressing send or picking up the phone and don’t be so hard on yourself. 

Ok, now the fun stuff. Favorite celebrity who embodies your energy the most?

For Gemini- the Olsen Twins, hands down. Those girls get it. They are who they are and that’s that. My favorite Virgo is Keanu Reeves. He’s unbothered by the big picture, but looks like he alphabetizes whatever's in his refrigerator. What can I say, I appreciate a man who does both. 

If you could travel to one place earth-side where would it be? 

You’re probably expecting me to say the Taj Mahal, touch snow in Antarctica or swim topless with dolphins in the Maldives- but honestly, I would love to go to Amangiri for like 6 days and completely turn my brain off. It looks nuts. 

If you were a designer handbag, which one would you be? 

Tough, but probably a Bottega Sardine in Emerald Green. Perfect for the day to day, but still slightly over the top. You didn’t ask, but Jupiter would be a Balenciaga Cagole. Make sure you get that in writing. 

And lastly, are you having a BRAT summer? 

BRAT lifetime feels more fitting.