California Dreaming
She'll Probably Never Leave...
This is satire and to be read with a sense of humor. None of these characters are real, rather just figments of my imagination based on people I know, people I used to know and probably a few different versions of myself (both past and present).
It had been 6 months since she broke up with Sebastian, a graphic designer whose true talent was his ability to weave the fact he owned a Rivian into even the most somber conversations. One night over a glass of wine at Café Triste, he playfully brought up the idea of opening up the relationship. ‘Nope, not my thing’, she said half laughing. It turns out, he wasn’t asking her, but rather telling her that the relationship had in fact been wide open for quite some time. Buh-bye! She blocked his number, and treated herself to a weekend at The Rosewood Miramar to forget the fact they had dated for 2.5 years.
She arrived in Los Angeles amidst the era of Rag and Bone skinny jeans and Leandra’s Arm Party. Her first big break was convincing her landlord to rip up the wall to wall carpeting and replace the white refrigerator in her West Hollywood one bedroom apartment. She and her friends would sit on the patio of Joan’s On Third devouring Chinese Chicken Salads and complaining about their assistant jobs while fantasizing about what the future would look like. Who were these well dressed unicorns wandering around LA with careers that didn’t fit into any category on LinkedIn? Somehow a decade flew by and here she was living in a bungalow in Silverlake with a massive terrace that she hardly ever used, with a job that required her to send emails that read ‘let’s do dinner at the Chateau to hash out the details! Xx’. Despite the rollercoaster of the last few months she knew she had a lot to be grateful for, but the vibes were still off.
‘You have got to do my practice’ her best friend Sloane assured her.
Sloane lived in Venice and survived on Ghia Spritzes, Camino Gummies and the Erewhon hot bar. The girls met in a sauna when they were 24 and had been friends ever since. Despite being a caricature of California Dreaming, Sloane was everybody’s biggest cheerleader
.
‘Ok, so this is how it works, she told her with the same conviction as a child convincing their parents they deserve dessert. You’re going to move all of the furniture out of your living room…you need a big open space. Then you’re going to light every single candle you own and look the universe right in the eyes and tell it what you deserve. Don’t skip a single detail. Say it loud and clear and do not hold back. Think BIG. The George and Amal Fairytale…a free trip to San Miguel. Demand it! Believe it! Own it!!! What’s meant for you will never pass you by!!!! It works every time… I swear! What do you have to lose??’
A week later after traveling two and a half hours round trip to Élephante in Santa Monica for a second date with a man who confided in her that he ‘really admires Elon’s take on the modern family’, she realized that Sloane was right- she literally had nothing to lose.
The moon glared back at her as she lit her Trudon De Oro candles one by one. She pulled out the crystals she bought in Sedona along with a copy of The Creative Act for good measure. Backlit by designer flames and she screamed her dreams to the universe.
‘I want to meet a solid guy with zero social media presence’
‘I want to stop doubting myself and just go for it- career, love, creative projects- whatever’
‘I want to be alive to see the first female President!!!!!’
The next morning she woke up feeling lighter than ever. ‘Maybe Sloane is right, this woo-woo stuff is good for me’, she thought while admiring the hills of Silverlake from her Hastens Mattress. And then the house began to tremble. She could hear her buffet of Byredo fragrances click-clacking together on her jumbled vanity.
‘What the fuck Sloane- I’m crossing into another dimension!!’ she screamed while wondering who would be more devastated by her earth-side departure- her friends or exes? Before she could realize what was actually happening, she was once again sitting in stillness.
*bing, bing, bing* her iPhone rang, it was a text from Sloane
‘Babe, are you good? 5.1 earthquake- can you even? I thought I was having an exorcism- you know that’s my biggest fear. I’m fine though!!! It was nuts. Text me if you’re alive.’
She was definitely still in Los Angeles, a place she would probably never leave.
this was hilarious and so fucking spot on and LA grips you in its clenches and I don't think ill ever leave. even when I talk about leaving I don't even believe myself. moved to westlake and considering moving BACK into it???? a paradox